To the relationship that I’ll never have… I’m not saying I don’t want a relationship. It’s just right now, it’s my
choice to stay single. Why? It seems a very simple question and an innocent one. For women like me who are still single and had been through emotional torture, dating and meeting the one is the least on our mind.
I can't bear the thought of someone walking out on me again when difficulties strike, leaving me and begging for them to come back. I can't bear the thought of going through again another painful memories after forgetting them all.
Are we afraid to be hurt again? No, it’s more than the hurt that’s stopping us from entering a relationship. It's going back to the suffering and pain are the ones that I wanted to skip in this life.
When my narcissist walked out on me a couple of times during my difficult times, I only had myself to comfort me and to cheer me up. I learned that I didn't need someone to know that I'm okay, I'm enough, I'm safe and I'm loved. But I kept begging for him to come back and to just be with me. I was asking the wrong person. In fact, I should've not been begging because you don't have to beg to the right person. They will gladly do it for you - they will do everything that will make you happy.
It was not an ordinary break up, it was not an ordinary relationship. Some people view women who went through emotional trauma as drama queens. Women and men who had toxic or abusive relationships takes longer to recover and some develop post traumatic stress. They may seem strong on the outside but every similar scenario and red flags make us jump back inside our protective shell, or some build walls and never let anyone in.
An abusive partner uses money, self esteem, the hot and cold approach and other forms of manipulation. At the onset of the relationship, we ignore the red flags and we make excuses for their bad behaviours.
In my case, a narcissistic abuse, I made excuses for him and were blamed for everything, diminishing my self esteem, when in fact his hot and cold behaviour was unforgivable. - https://thepowerofsilence.co/21-stages-of-the-relationship-between-a-narcissist-and-an-empath/
When we let someone treat us with disrespect, stepping our boundaries and even discarding our individuality, we have to let go as quickly as we can before we find ourselves trap into a quicksand. Sinking in.. deeper and deeper until we can’t get out.
I was not able to get out of a 5 year relationship even though the world kept throwing me signs. A codependent person like me will always find excuses for their bad behaviours.
“Why are you still single?” I can’t. I’d rather be with myself than feel trap in a relationship that doesn’t serve me. I can’t go through again with the feeling of being alone while in a relationship , I can’t go through again spreading myself thin to please someone, his family, his friends in order for them to approve me. I can’t go through again losing my voice because someone discarded my true self and put me on a roller coaster ride, walking on eggshells, acting hot and cold.
So why are you still single? I am in love with more than anything in this world, but my life…
Living my second chance in life. A life full of wide awakening, a life full of gratitude, and a life of loving myself more than anyone else.
Advocate of authentic self. Lover of life. Passionate on understanding humans. Serving with a purpose, one day at a time.